Cat Illnesses

If your cat is acting funny, please take two aspirin, refer to this page and call your relatives in the morning to tell them all about it!

Thanks, Carla, for the animation

- By Deb & Playful

Bed-Hogging

Symptoms: The cat spreads to its full breadth and length and takes up all available free bed space at night when its human is trying to
sleep. It then expands a bit more until any human occupant occupies the smallest possible area of the bed. It may do this on top of or
underneath the duvet and blankets or on the pillow. It is highly contagious and will affect any other cat on the bed. Attacks of bed-hogging have been know to last up to 23 hours and in one case 3 days when the human was in bed with the flu.

Treatment: Try not to give way as the cat expands. Buying a bigger bed is pointless as most affected cats can easily expand to fill
standard, queen and king sized beds. The only alternative is to train yourself to sleep while hanging precariously off the side of the bed.

Greeblingz

Symptoms: Random dashes up to and including helter-skelter running through the house in pursuit of unseen prey. Greeblingz are believed to be non-visible entities and some authorities have linked them to UFO sightings or feel that they may be diminutive other-dimensional beings. Cats suffering from Greeblingz typically have wild-eyes expressions. There is a minor danger of Greeblingz attaching themselves to humans, if a cat attacks such a Greeblingz, injury to the human may result.

Treatment: None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective as the condition appears unrelated to other forms of seizure. Avoid getting
in the way of a cat engaged in Greeblingz hunting. Attacks usually subside spontaneously, perhaps as Greeblingz return to their own
dimension. These irritating creatures are not visible to human eyes, but no doubt the superior sight and hearing of cats enable them to see them.

Irritable Lap Syndrome

Symptoms: The cat appears unable to settle comfortably on laps, instead treading, kneading, rearranging itself, fidgeting,
vocalizing, getting up and turning around, falling off lap and getting back on again, attacking magazine, needlework, computer
keyboards, telephones, etc.

Treatment: Immediate treatment is essential. Drop whatever you are doing (literally if need be) and give 100% attention to the sufferer
otherwise symptoms may escalate and become quite distressing to the lap-owner. Only prolonged attention will cure an attack of Irritable Lap Syndrome. Like Collapsible Legs this syndrome is incurable, although attacks may be effectively treated as and when they occur.

Lap Fungus Disorder

Symptoms: Having taken over a human lap, the cat proceeds to spread in all directions. This may be accompanied by secondary symptoms such as high volume purring, dribbling, kneading and snoring. The condition is highly contagious and several fungoid cats may infest a lap simultaneously.

Treatment: Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals is ineffective. Prompt treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome) is required to alleviate the worst symptoms and only prolonged attention will cure an attack. Although in a number of cats, such treatment actually exasperates the condition. This disorder
manifests itself periodically throughout the affected cat's life and there is no long-term cure.

Snudging

Symptoms: The affected cat repeatedly head butts any available part of a readily available human and turns its head slightly so that the
lips and cheek are rubbed against legs, arms, clothing, etc. This condition gets its name from a contraction of the phrase "soggy
nudging". Snudging may well be a form of excessive scent marking. A bad attack can result in soggy clothing.

Treatment: Give the sufferer lavish affection. Most attacks subside between ten minutes and one hour after the onset of symptoms. You
may need to dry off snudged clothing or skin. Attacks reccur frequently, usually when the most readily available human is engrossed in a TV program, book, newspaper, or telephone call.